I am the shepherd of this blog more than I am its author. I am a servant of the muse, the muse being Spirit that moves through all things. This blog is not about the endeavor to 'move away from, in order to go towards' - so here you will not find more tricks to manifest wealth, worldly power and presence, personal or spiritual magnetism, attract your soul mate, or learn more tantric practices. In other words, the essence of this blog is sourced not in lack, but in the all-powerful wealth and abundance that is simply always here. This may not attract many followers, nor make this the most popular of blogs, but then it's not followers I'm here for, and when was the truth ever popular!


Monday, May 18, 2015

Cancer, The Alchemical Spirit - Part 1

Dear Friends, this article (split into a 3 part blog post) wrote me, and a surprise to me it got written at all.  Such innocent unveilings there are no words for, as you walk a very silent talk.  The events shared are real and as they unfolded to me through my unique lens, as you will receive them through yours.  When I sat down one day to write, I did the only thing I could do which was to tell it as it offered itself to me, and trust that just as Divine intelligence brought this 'rite of passage' into my life, so now will it reach the hearts and lives of those to whom it is intended. This is simply one part of a larger and 'transformagical' picture of which I will share more as we go along. Whilst writing this piece I have had a magical black pussycat called Atticus, and a joyous black bunny rabbit called Violet Light sitting next to me for much of its duration, they both deserve a mention.  As does my husband Frank, who is my Anam Cara, Gaelic for soul friend.  In Celtic tradition, an Anam Cara is someone you can share your innermost self to reveal the hidden intimacies of your life, your mind and your heart. This friendship cuts across all convention to create an act of recognition and belonging that joins souls in an ancient and eternal way.

“The eye with which I see God 
is the eye with which God sees me.” 

(Meister Eckhart)

For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out, and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction (Cynthia Occelli).  To the lovers amongst us, we know this is the calling forth of beauty.  We are each of us grooms being asked to join in sacred matrimony with amazement herself. There is a quote by the famous poet Kabir which says: “If you cannot ‘cross over’ when you are alive, how can you when you are Dead.”  This is a story about crossing over.  

We are conditioned in the superficial, versus the real, so when we meet the real, it can be frightening.  Yet until we are willing to go within and meet our deepest fears, which ultimately at their core is the fear of death, we will always remain in a bind, in a world of separation and striving, isolated from the still presence of Well-Being. That which is our core nature underneath what has become hardened, wounded or forgotten within us.  The creative potential in the presence of death is immense, be it physical or psychological each are a call into the invisible world, an entry into the presence and power of Spirit within.  In facing what we are most afraid of we embody a more challenging, deeply self-compassionate, and worthy fullness of ourselves.  Here we meet the one Beloved that everything arises from and out of.  Here we transmute endless wanting and desire to eternal devotion,  - freedom from, and within ourselves. 

A  friend of mine Jack, sent me a message for my 53rd birthday.  The message read  'May you Die well to Live well'.   I can't tell you how that made my heart sing, such an enlivening, unreserved and wise comment.   I told Jack I may have to covert that one from time to time, and I have.  Yet it is fascinating to me that at times in conversation when I have used this  saying, which describes well the virtues and salvation in psychological death, that it has never been met with the same appreciation and acknowledgement, not to mention understanding with which my heart greeted it that day.  I trust what I share below will shed some light, an example of this metamorphic process where destruction and creation become one, where we whole heartedly invite the Divine into our humanity.  

There is a Sufi saying …  "Our Soul is covered with a thousand veils".  To me, the true nature  of our spiritual life's work, and principal purpose for Life itself  is the dissolving of these veils so we can sing our own unique Love song.  Authentic spirituality is not a high, not some exalted ‘display’ of consciousness, no 'final destination of safe harbor, and by no means the mind’s version of ‘blissfull’ as is sometimes put forward in the sales pitch approach to spirituality. If anything, it brings us closer to 'reality' which is not always comfortable, whilst reducing our self identification with it.  Eventually any truly sincere spiritual longing becomes not the avoidance of, nor want of anything, no matter how nobel, holy or seemingly humble, but at its deepest core becomes an impersonal sojourn where we align with the knowledge that Life is always endeavoring to realize itself, and that body of Life as me will take me where it will.  It is a crucible for both light and dark, embracing all of love’s sweet and scary moments.  In essence, we could say the symbolic entry into this selfless domain is where we switch from living in the head to living from the heart - regardless of its request.  Heart centered wisdom is never logical, as it's  navigation system is deeply rooted in this truth.  As questionable and seemingly problematic as it’s requests may sometimes appear, the cosmic heart is always steering us towards the realization of Life as Us.  An eternal ceaseless pilgrimage into the realization of Love, what it is, and more importantly what it is not, aside of all concepts and conditioning often used to avoid life’s more challenging and heated moments.  As Victor Frankl said: “What gives us light must endure burning”. 

Near four years ago,  at the age of 51 in July 2011 I received a breast cancer diagnosis, and entered a time of serious veil removal of which I have many stories to tell, many love songs to sing.  This is just one small, yet 'leading' note in that great melody

 In June 2011 I found a  lump in my right breast and was told 7 days later it was malignant .  Those early days were filled with deep shock, fear and confusion, and as the days passed I noticed there started to arise in me an unexplainable and profound sadness, that felt 'ancient' at its core - ‘thee sadness’.   That, that we all carry in our heart and souls where we have left the truth of what, not who, we truly are for whatever reason be it trauma, pain, cultural conditioning, or imprisoning belief systems. The deeper I stepped into my inner landscape, the more profound became the stillness that spread itself inside me, and the more this thoroughly ancient sadness appeared to infuse the whole of me, and the whole of existence.  I would lye on a mattress some days in the living room looking out to the garden weeping with my husband Frank lying beside me, his arms wrapped around me.  I remember telling him how unfathomable this sadness was to me.  It was deeply in me, so I was answerable to it,  yet it was much bigger than I, and notably impersonal at its core.  It was all consuming, everything, everyone, everywhere.  I was being brought into my heart, and there was a veil of deep grief surrounding it - timeless, ancient grief.  What I didn't know then, but know now was this was the beginning of a most blessed and choice-less sojourn, to uncover, re-cover and more importantly fully embody this long abandoned truth that was here all along.  I/We are pure Spirit, pure vital Life itself.  The formless truth and presence behind everything and everyone.  There is no death.  This ancient grief and sadness was the 'light bringer' and all I had to do was accept, allow, and open to receive what it had come to rouse within me.  To greet it with a compassionate heart.  This awakening was walking hand in hand with the mighty alchemical Spirit I call cancer.  Walking right alongside all the shock, confusion, and brokenness of that harsh and frightening reality of those initial days immediately after diagnosis.

I came to see cancer as a dark Angel with pure white transparent wings, who like all Angels carries within her the blessing of profound Grace.  When she comes to sit on your doorstep, her power is mighty and her ways a mystery.   She even has the medical profession mystified, or does she?  Perhaps their focus is in the wrong order - out instead of in, cure instead of cause.  She will break you open and beckon you inward, to where the real source of Life and healing reside.  She will invite those closest to you, those that truly love you, take this same choiceness journey with you, if they can.  Together you will ride the wave of destruction and creation, death for rebirth.  

It reminded me of a phrase I coined many years ago after coming through a difficult period of deep transformation, a most bless-ed crucifixion whilst living alone in the wilderness of Ireland.  "When it appears things are going terribly wrong, they are probably going terribly right Superficial appearances are never the truth.  Deep metamorphosis can often  appear as a blood bath which we see evidenced at the birth of every child and animal.   Profound transformation doesn't always look pretty.   Life is always, and in all ways, happening for us not to us, offering us goodness, benevolence and re-birth in the changing and challenging circumstances of our life if we choose to embrace the offering.  By now in my life I had grown 'comfortably uncomfortable’ with sitting in the fire of any pain, discomfort or emotion that difficult circumstances may waken in me, and allow Life shower me with gifts of new beginnings and deepened awareness according to its timing, not mine.  In those early days, a little poem/song would often come and sing itself to me.  It was the sweetest little love song that came out of nowhere.   I knew it was the divine messenger that had come to foretell this rite of passage. The melody came from the play ‘Joseph and the technicolor dream coat ‘ and these words would often joyously sing themselves to me.

"I closed my eyes,
drew back the curtain
to see for certain
what Love can do"

And now I wake
and look around me
to see Love has found me
shining bright and new.”

(Continued in Part 2)


  1. Replies
    1. Hello Dear Prema, better late than never - only just saw this today! Home Sweet Home!🌷