I am the shepherd of this blog more than I am its author. I am a servant of the muse, the muse being Spirit that moves through all things. This blog is not about the endeavor to 'move away from, in order to go towards' - so here you will not find more tricks to manifest wealth, worldly power and presence, personal or spiritual magnetism, attract your soul mate, or learn more tantric practices. In other words, the essence of this blog is sourced not in lack, but in the all-powerful wealth and abundance that is simply always here. This may not attract many followers, nor make this the most popular of blogs, but then it's not followers I'm here for, and when was the truth ever popular!


Monday, May 18, 2015

Cancer the Alchemical Spirit - Part 2

This awakening process lasted for 3 weeks and then gone when the job was done.  What I did not know then, and can only recognize now was this was a culmination, and integration of my past 20 years sincere self enquiry.  There was not then, and has never been, any grasping in me for this communication to appear again, nor wishing it could have stayed longer.  Some moments were more intense than others, as I lived, breathed and resonated with what  I knew to be my essential nature - all embracing vital Spirit, pure alive awareness.  In every cell of my body I was this sacred substance parading as a physical being.

This still aliveness, transcendent joy, and depth of wellbeing that embraced me had always been my  love, my God, and what I clearly remember as my origin and my home.  This vital presence, this Light was me, completely ordinary, yet extraordinary.   It was utterly sufficient unto itself, no fanfare, and nothing sensational in me to want to speak about it.  From this time forward, I was quietly and without any decision called to align with this power as my teacher, healer and guide through my passage with cancer.   To whole heartedly embrace this ancient knowledge just as indigenous cultures have  lived  for thousands of years, and just as all non-human life forms are naturally connected to, and sourced in.  I took my lead from the natural world.  It was instinctive, and in no way separate from the rest of my life .  It was a most simple and innocent remembering.  It is only looking back at my Life and experiences, some of them challenging that followed from this time, that I see now how deeply I was to be refined, and my life transformed from this communication.  It was not about the disease called cancer, that was simply the word given for an imbalance within me sent by Grace to remove.  The body sends us symptoms to 'heal' not to hinder.  Dis - ease and discomfort are gifts of wellness if we know how to listen and act accordingly.  When we stop running from death (the death of our egocentric conditioning) we are then free to truly embrace Life.

It  became clear to me then moving forward that a mastectomy, radiation and drugs, as were urgently suggested to me by my surgeon, were not my path.   It was not about beating the disease with my focus on survival, but about true whole hearted healing from within - dead or alive.  Some have died from cancer free, you might say, for them truly healed. Some have beaten the disease yet remain emotionally and spiritually entangled. This was my offering to Life.  It was important for me to belong to my truth, not the obedient.  With the knowledge of how ready, willing and forever available the mind is to make a story of our life, and with the discernment to know this was an ‘opening’ to let go of any story I may have at a deeper level,  stillness and silence were my way.  I gratefully declined many of the compassionate offerings given to me to speak to other women of their experience through cancer, so I could keep to a minimum my minds potential for fearful projection which was significantly enhanced at this time.  It was imperative I nurture my intuitive body by not feeding into other peoples stories.  I did speak to two women early on and became profoundly struck, because of where I was,  by how strong in both the overwhelming emotion was to survive.  Although this is a natural 'survival instinct' to which I could absolutely relate, another part of me, the Light in me,  saw this to be a limitation to being fully alive.  Both women were open to whatever medical treatments they were told would keep them alive, and prolong their life.  Unfortunately both these beautiful women are no longer with us.   They may have passed fully healed, I have not the knowledge of their process.

Although my journey was taken in much stillness and inner quiet, creating a conscious vacuum, I was none the less deeply rooted in community, and vulnerable to my need of it.  For us as a humanity it is a vital part of our healing as we each make it possible for the other.  Aside from Frank, who provided an open, safe and authentically loving space in which I could flourish, and a few intimate friends,  I was deeply called to root myself in nature, and ‘She’ became the heart of my community.   I immersed myself in her, in the stream of her plant spirit medicine and healing plasma that surrounded me here in our magical garden that Frank and I had built together.  She embraced me, and I her.  She became, as is the truth for us all,  my ‘portal to presence’ manifest in the physical.  As I entered the natural body within me, and aligned myself with the nature around me, the same awareness shining in me was shining in Her .  She became my way-finder, my inner compass, and my deepest peace and well-being.   When we  meet our most fragile self and are in need of support in finding our own healing,  it is the pure nature of another we long to connect with, and be held by that same love, innocence and simple kindliness - everything else becomes obsolete.   These junctures in our evolution are precious truth telling opportunities where our psyche’s are propelled wide open. I learnt to choose my community wisely, to look at what people around me were ‘bringing to my table’ as though it were my last supper.  

My approach to cancer I see now was my dharma, and the destiny I chose as the highest expression of my life.  It was a journey to be taken in stillness,  and one where often I felt alone in the wilderness, with moments of feeling lost, afraid and unsure.  A 'pioneering pilgrimage' where there was no one I knew of around me I could call upon who had chosen this pathway to self healing.  There was only a choiceness deep inner calling to heal in this way.  The words kept coming to me:  ‘It's God's world  (Spirit) or Man's World’ ( matter), as though there was a choice - two different paths for me to walk.  Everything in truth is of the one universal intelligence, but I was being presented here with a fork in the road.  The patriarchal  power of our times has separated the physical and the spiritual, afraid of the feminine's magical nature,  which in the end will be our saving grace and that of our Mother Earth if we are to survive.  There must be the blending and acknowledgement of both.  I seemed to be born raging against the patriarchy and yet, looking back, that rage  in it's unconsciousness within me often had me as its servant trapped in patterns of  powerlessness and repression, particularly in relationships.  I was called to align Spirit with Matter as One, to bring Divine Light into matter, and embody that within me.  This was not a decision based on reaction or denial, nor one of hope, but one of authenticity, truth, and faith. One of 'what would Love do?'. 

It appeared to me God's world represented trust, owning my healing and living my truth.  A heart centered journey with no guarantees of survival, yet the highest expression of the Life I had been gifted.  A place more of absence, yet working with the substance of  Life, Light and Spirit to guide and heal.  A knowing without knowing anything.  A merging of Spirit with Matter, bringing Light into matter as Me,  and then offering that back to the world.  A place of opening and receptivity, absolute acceptance but by no means resignation.  There was no ‘fight against cancer’, and no inner armies called forth, but instead a ruthless and  practical process of  re-tracing, facing into, and bringing awareness to the whole of my life from the beginning and beyond.  A whole hearted cohesion of body, mind and spirit, a pathway that appeared suffused in freedom and breathed my liberation as  I gave myself to what felt true and vital.   I was not called to play by mans law, but the law of the natural world, just as any animal in the wild would do.  I have just now learnt years later via an interview with professional animal communicator  Anna Breytenbach, that at no point has an animal in the wild ever been found to die of cancer.  Her reasoning as to why is in direct alignment with the principal truth of this,  my healing journey.  (see interview below -  at 23min)

Man's world  seemed to me robotic in its approach, with each cancerous tumor unique in its emergence and display, yet each offered the same regime of treatment.  A world of information, facts and figures, addressing people in parts rather than the whole.   It seemed to me more the imprisonment of matter,  often rooted in fear, and it felt disempowering.  The more I researched this disease, and our man made ‘war against it’, there became a  growing disturbance inside me at the corruption being generated by the big business machine called cancer, often sourced in patient vulnerability and fear.  In the gnostic gospel of St Thomas Jesus said: “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you.  If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you”.  Within each of us is the power to heal, the solution is always an inside job.  The medical profession does not endorse this truth, but may indeed say: “You gotta be out of your mind”!  Yes, I was out of my mind!  I have always been an adventurer, and all adventures in the end are an inside job.  When we travel, we travel to a place inside ourselves.  This disease is a unique crossing for each individual, it asks for courage and honest discernment to unearth what is seeking to be rebalanced and often rebirthed within us. We are complex creatures with minds that love to put things in boxes.  Healing is multi-faceted, yet decidedly one pointed. Just as it is not wholly about diet, nor is it wholly about cutting off our breasts.  

(Continued in Part 3)

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